Wednesday, February 12, 2003

"Nobody cares if the people live or die", Leonard Cohen, My Secret Life 

Yesterday at Rosebud's, I felt a whoosh, a feeling like "Ohhhh, this is all there is". I was back in my body suddenly in a way that I haven't been in quite some time. Maybe it was the first time. I felt the totality of my life, as though I had died right there, on Rosebud's living room floor. Everything in my life that I feel I had fucked up, I wanted to correct. I appreciated, much more, when I had loved. The Pink Floyd song was right, all that you touch, taste, feel, see destroy, hate, love, is all that your life will ever be. Maybe it was like the feeling Jack Nicholson had in As Good As it Gets, when he was walking through the group therapy session, and he turned to them and said, "What if this is as good as it get?" In that case, everything matters. Every single word spoken, gesture made, act committed is the quality, the fabric of this life experienced.

I am on a mission. For the rest of my time of this planet, I will drink and crave and relish every last drop that is here for me. I will appreciate what is spoken and unspoken. I will respect the fabric of the lives of others as it intersects with my own, and I will cherish it.